number 5.

i've had a couple of friends say, "you guys look like you're already having the best summer." and while we are having fun, it's definitely come after a storm and trial of our faith that we have become all too familiar with. i wasn't even going to write about it, but my husband suggested that i do because 1. he knows that it helps me to heal, and 2. he thinks it is helpful for others in our same situation to read about our experiences and feel comfort or hope for their own.

so here goes.

miscarriage number five happened a couple weeks ago. five. what a number. i hate saying it, typing it, or even thinking it. i've been pregnant seven times. 7. more than most women will ever be pregnant. i hate it. i really wish it was a lower number. but it's not. there's nothing i could have done about it, and it is a very hopeless feeling. 

but...

i have two beautiful healthy daughters. what more could i ask for right? i wish it was that easy. this last pregnancy lasted longer than all my other miscarriages. i saw a heart beat. twice. and from the last time i saw it, until i lost it was three days. ugh. i ended up in the emergency room. i hate that part. having to confirm a loss. it never gets easier. james and i were there for about five hours, and the only good part was the morphine drip. the pain of the contractions was gone for a little while. my heart hurt worse than i think it ever has. i don't like to think about that night.

but...

i am so lucky. i had family and friends that rallied around me and took care of me. my husband who was up with me all night trying to provide comfort and mostly just being there going through it with me. my sister and her husband who came and picked me up the next day so that i could be at my parents' house so my mom could take care of me. my other sister and her husband who sent me flowers. calls and texts from my other siblings making me feel loved. both my parents who bent over backward to take care of me and my girls. more flowers from my mother in law and father in law. texts from a dear friend. really, i wouldn't have survived without it. i didn't want to be going through this again. 

i had another d/c and normally afterward (this was my third), i walk out of there feeling like a new person, ready to move on. but this time i didn't. i was still in pain and emotionally, i was broken. my husband has put up with a lot to say the least. he's taken the brunt of my complaints, lack of faith, grumpiness, rudeness, and just all around miserableness. he's the one that deserves flowers. not me. i have not gone through this gracefully. but slowly, i am climbing out of the deep dark hole i've been in for the past two weeks.

thank goodness it's summer. getting out and doing those fun things has helped. the sun is good for me. watching my girls splash and play in the pool is good for me. being able to just walk outside when my baby is down for a nap because i feel like my world is crashing down all around me has been good for me. and i want to have a good summer. i'm determined to. my girls deserve it. my husband deserves it. and heck, i think i deserve it.

with that all said and out in the open, my next post will be about our summer. we are having some fun. i'm definitely trying to. and i couldn't do it without the goodness that i am surrounded by on a daily basis. i'm very lucky that way. 

and for now, that's enough.

when it rains...

ahh... life has been both good and hard the last month and a half. good because i have so much to be thankful for and truly am so blessed. i'm spoiled with blessings. i couldn't count them if i tried. hard because, well, gosh darn it, after a miscarriage my emotions and hormones get the better of me. some days i feel like i'm totally whole again and i feel like i could take on anything that came my way. 

other days, i hardly have the motivation to get out of bed. those days are hard. but thank goodness for that little toddler of mine. without her, i don't think i'd get out of bed. she gives me a reason to get up, fix breakfast (or dinner as she calls it), and go on with my day. but believe me, she'd fix herself breakfast if she could. i'm beyond grateful that she can't. 

on those hard days, i've started setting goals for myself. because let's face it, i'm competitive, even against myself. i try to accomplish more or be more happy than i was on my last hard day. this is not easy. especially when i've set the goal to bake something once a week, and thursday comes, and i just want to sit around and watch movies or lost (i love lost) all day. i'll tell myself i'm not doing it, that i don't care about a stupid goal. that baking can just shove it. but... i cave. and thank goodness. it makes me feel better. even though i am not a baker. i want to be. it's just hard. much harder than cooking. that's why i stick to my few basic go-to recipes and try not to stray from them too often. but accomplishing those small goals help me survive my day.

i often think that in years to come, i'll look back on this time of my life and laugh, maybe. hopefully i'll be able to see that i was being blessed and that the plan for me was being laid out just as it should be. gosh i sure hope so. i hope in ten years i don't look back on this time and still cry about it. i really hope not. 

i'm really trying to kick those bad days really hard in the behind. i don't like having bad days. i like when i can wake up happy and positive. positive that a baby will be on it's way to our family shortly. i also like when i can wake up and just be ok with how things are right now. because i'm blessed. so blessed. the saying, "when it rains, it pours", could definitely take on a positive spin when talking about all the blessings i have. i have blessings being poured down on me. bucket loads. and for that, i couldn't be happier. 

and that toddler of mine definitely makes it a little easier.

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the pictures above were taken by james last night while we watched the lightening show all over the sky. we wanted it to rain. brooklyn even did a little rain dance but to no avail. it was cute nonetheless. 

this last picture is of brooklyn hugging her most favorite neighbor boy before he had to go in and go to bed. isn't that sweet? can't wait for them to see it when they're sixteen. mostly brooklyn though, she is the one in a diaper after all. so modest isn't she?

a new pool + that phase.

thursday morning i went in early for a d&c. it's only the best way for me to move on after a miscarriage. my body takes about two weeks by itself without any intervention. i was only about five days in, so a d&c was was a great option. i went into feeling pretty miserable. i was also really down. of course. i woke up after the procedure and i felt tired but my body was no longer in pain. it was a relief. my mom was there to take us home so that james could go back to work.

brooklyn and i crawled into my bed immediately and we fell asleep for a couple of hours. it felt good to sleep. when i woke up, it was time to move on.

my SIL brought us dinner and the rest of the weekend was spent with good distractions like that. friday night we went to a bbq with friends and saturday was pretty darn relaxing. i needed it.

i scored pool online for 50% off on tuesday and we got it thursday. brooklyn played in it all weekend, with a swimming suit on, and without anything on. but hey, it's her pool. she can skinny dip of she wants. 

 haley came back down saturday night. we were so glad. we missed her. james grilled up some hot dogs for dinner and then we went to burger bar for shakes. those delicious shakes. i'm already craving their seasonal pumpkin shake. can't wait. but i can.

the whole evening felt like summer should, so we topped it off with some little fireworks. not sure who loved them more... james or brooklyn.  

sunday was church, dinner on the patio, and then some relaxing. 

it was also a night full of visitors and treats. the first came from the cutest family in our ward. serious. model family. i want to be like them when i grow up. these cookies were delicious and they were so thoughtful to bring us a treat to help cheer us up. sugar will do the trick.

not even five minutes later, the doorbell rang again. this time, homemade bread. we have great people in our ward. we feel so blessed to be surrounded by such genuinely good people.

a milestone worth mentioning, i introduced brooklyn to sandlot sunday evening. she seriously sat through a good portion of it. her favorite part (i think) was the carnival/throwing up part. i'm sure it was the music. no way it was the puking. anyway, i feel like that's definitely a summer milestone that is one for the record books. it's a total classic and i spent every summer of my childhood watching that movie for hours and hours on any given day. i will always love that movie. for-e-ver.

overall, life is getting back to normal here at cream gables. my heart is slowly healing and i'm definitely in the just-broke-up phase of this miscarraige. ya know... when you just break up and you're sad/mad but you have this overwhelming feeling to improve yourself, do things you haven't for awhile, and just overall improve your life (maybe even cut your hair). stuff like that. i'm in that phase. i lifted weights on saturday and my arms are screaming at me for it. it's been way too long. but i'm ready to get this body into super duper shape so that it's healthy as can be for this next baby  that's going to join our family. hopefully it's sooner than later, but if not, i will press on and i will keep trying. i have to.

number 4.

remember this picture ^^^

yep. that was the day we flew home from hawaii. it was also the day we found out we were expecting #2.

i took the pregnancy test with a very observant toddler watching the whole process. i finished the test and stared the test down. i knew i was pregnant. i had to be. we'd been trying for eight months, it was seriously about time. it was positive. i scooped brooklyn up and squeezed her so tight. i told her she was going to be a big sister. we ran downstairs to show james.

i threw the test in his lap. a huge grin took over his face and his eyes filled with tears. we hugged and laugh cried for a few minutes and then knelt in family prayer. my heart was full and i was so happy.

the cramps started almost immediately thereafter. for the next two weeks i took it easy. i was going to do everything i could to make this pregnancy a healthy one. i called the doctor and made an appointment. luckily, i was going to be seen at about 7 weeks. the wait was excruciating. if you've been pregnant before, you know all about this.

the day of my appointment came and i was so excited...and nervous. i so badly wanted everything to be ok. i'd had cramping but no bleeding. such a good sign for me. going in there, i was definitely a guarded excited. 

james, brooklyn, and i piled into the exam room and waited to be seen. we made small chat the best we could, even though we were just ready to get the show on the road. the doc finally came in and i took a deep breath. he didn't waste any time and started with the ultra sound. immediately we saw the baby. and there was a heart beat. i really couldn't believe it. i was more used to either seeing an empty sac or no heart beat. i honestly didn't hear the rest of what the doctor said. i was so relieved. 

we celebrated with chinese for dinner. we talked about our guesses of the gender and how we felt about a baby being born in january. my answers were: girl and i don't care what month our baby is born in, i don't care if they're born on christmas. i just want a healthy baby. 

we got into bed that night, said family prayer, and then i got up to go to the bathroom one more time before we settled in for the night. i started bleeding. my world stopped. this was all too familiar. i wanted to scream and cry. please no. please no. 

i didn't sleep well that night.

i tried to stay positive. i bled almost my whole first trimester with brooklyn. maybe this was just how my 'healthy normal pregnancies' were just going to be. i laid super low the next day and things slowly got worse. we headed to coalville for the weekend and decided to tell my family since they'd see me just lying down. we made the announcement with a side note that this pregnancy was going like my last one, but that we were very hopeful. 

nothing changed until saturday night. out of nowhere, the cramps and the pain became intense. i'd felt this before. i couldn't get relief. i was miserable and starting to panic. it lasted for about two hours and then went away. i went to bed feeling ok and really really praying that everything was still ok. 

luckily for me, i got to bring my sister haley home with me sunday night. a miracle that she didn't have anything going on for a few days. i just really wanted to be on complete bed rest (i knew this from experience) and give this pregnancy the best chance i could. monday morning i called the doctor to schedule a rhogam shot (my blood type is negative) and if possible, another ultrasound. james met us all at the office, haley took brooklyn to play, and james and i met with the doctor.

he started the ultrasound. i was so hopeful. we'd seen a healthy baby just three days before. i'd read a statistic that i'd been riding on for the last week, and that was if a healthy ultrasound was done at 7 weeks (which mine had been) that there was a 90% chance for a successful pregnancy. i just kept running that through my mind. 

but there was no heart beat. 

emptiness. shock. hurt. disbelief.

i held it together. 

after the doctor stepped out, james embraced me and shed a few tears. i wasn't going to fall apart yet. i still had to go get my shot. i wasn't about to cry in front of everyone. unlucky for me, i had to wait fifteen minutes to get that dang shot in my hip. i sat there alone in a room just waiting. my thoughts started to run away and i had to force myself to keep my emotions in check. i got the shot. and then i ran for the car. 

i crawled into my back seat and just sobbed for a good minute. all the why's came. all the questions like, am i not a good mother? do i not deserve this? all these terrible questions that i had dwelt on three other times in my life. such terrible dark hard times.

james came out to comfort me. we just sat and cried together and held each other. then i was done. i was angry. i wasn't going to let this ruin my day. haley and brooklyn got in the car, we said bye to james, and we were off for a busy full day. i wasn't about to sit idly for a second that day. i drug haley and brooklyn to stores and for a drink, and then we got home and started cleaning and doing projects i could do now that i wasn't on 'bed rest'. i had to stay busy.

i decided we should have s'mores for family home evening and try to have a fun night. it really was fun. there was just that lingering sadness in my heart that couldn't be ignored.

 (i think we need some roasting sticks)

haley is still here and i don't know what i would do without her. she has been my slave and a work horse this week. we have accomplished so much and she has been great to keep my mind off of those sad things i don't want to dwell on. i've received texts from friends just to check on me. my siblings have called. james has been super supportive. it really has made a difference. even though this is my fourth miscarriage, it definitely hasn't been any easier. i definitely feel like a pro and all the familiar side effects and the whole process just make me sick. i really didn't think i'd have to do this again. and who knows how many more i'm going to have to go through. i can't even think about that. 

my greatest hope, is that no matter what happens, even if i do end up with an easy pregnancy, is that i won't forget the heart ache that comes with not being to get pregnant and not being able to carry a baby full term. i think it ranks right up there with the worst heart aches in the world. i don't ever want to forget it. i want to be sensitive to those women who are struggling. it's not fair. and i've seen too many women struggle, then have babies and no struggles, and become insensitive. i hope this post reaches someone and touches their heart. you're not alone. miscarriages are a terrible thing to go through, but there are women out there having them and struggling just like you. i try to remember this myself. i also realize there are women who have never been able to get pregnant. they are strongest women. the strongest out there. 

so today, i'll be thankful for this sweet face.

 she's my miracle baby. i hope i can give her a sibling or maybe more. she'll be such a good big sister. she has a lot to teach and to share. oh my goodness. i can't wait.