number 5.

i've had a couple of friends say, "you guys look like you're already having the best summer." and while we are having fun, it's definitely come after a storm and trial of our faith that we have become all too familiar with. i wasn't even going to write about it, but my husband suggested that i do because 1. he knows that it helps me to heal, and 2. he thinks it is helpful for others in our same situation to read about our experiences and feel comfort or hope for their own.

so here goes.

miscarriage number five happened a couple weeks ago. five. what a number. i hate saying it, typing it, or even thinking it. i've been pregnant seven times. 7. more than most women will ever be pregnant. i hate it. i really wish it was a lower number. but it's not. there's nothing i could have done about it, and it is a very hopeless feeling. 

but...

i have two beautiful healthy daughters. what more could i ask for right? i wish it was that easy. this last pregnancy lasted longer than all my other miscarriages. i saw a heart beat. twice. and from the last time i saw it, until i lost it was three days. ugh. i ended up in the emergency room. i hate that part. having to confirm a loss. it never gets easier. james and i were there for about five hours, and the only good part was the morphine drip. the pain of the contractions was gone for a little while. my heart hurt worse than i think it ever has. i don't like to think about that night.

but...

i am so lucky. i had family and friends that rallied around me and took care of me. my husband who was up with me all night trying to provide comfort and mostly just being there going through it with me. my sister and her husband who came and picked me up the next day so that i could be at my parents' house so my mom could take care of me. my other sister and her husband who sent me flowers. calls and texts from my other siblings making me feel loved. both my parents who bent over backward to take care of me and my girls. more flowers from my mother in law and father in law. texts from a dear friend. really, i wouldn't have survived without it. i didn't want to be going through this again. 

i had another d/c and normally afterward (this was my third), i walk out of there feeling like a new person, ready to move on. but this time i didn't. i was still in pain and emotionally, i was broken. my husband has put up with a lot to say the least. he's taken the brunt of my complaints, lack of faith, grumpiness, rudeness, and just all around miserableness. he's the one that deserves flowers. not me. i have not gone through this gracefully. but slowly, i am climbing out of the deep dark hole i've been in for the past two weeks.

thank goodness it's summer. getting out and doing those fun things has helped. the sun is good for me. watching my girls splash and play in the pool is good for me. being able to just walk outside when my baby is down for a nap because i feel like my world is crashing down all around me has been good for me. and i want to have a good summer. i'm determined to. my girls deserve it. my husband deserves it. and heck, i think i deserve it.

with that all said and out in the open, my next post will be about our summer. we are having some fun. i'm definitely trying to. and i couldn't do it without the goodness that i am surrounded by on a daily basis. i'm very lucky that way. 

and for now, that's enough.