Wednesday, June 19, 2013

number 4.

remember this picture ^^^

yep. that was the day we flew home from hawaii. it was also the day we found out we were expecting #2.

i took the pregnancy test with a very observant toddler watching the whole process. i finished the test and stared the test down. i knew i was pregnant. i had to be. we'd been trying for eight months, it was seriously about time. it was positive. i scooped brooklyn up and squeezed her so tight. i told her she was going to be a big sister. we ran downstairs to show james.

i threw the test in his lap. a huge grin took over his face and his eyes filled with tears. we hugged and laugh cried for a few minutes and then knelt in family prayer. my heart was full and i was so happy.

the cramps started almost immediately thereafter. for the next two weeks i took it easy. i was going to do everything i could to make this pregnancy a healthy one. i called the doctor and made an appointment. luckily, i was going to be seen at about 7 weeks. the wait was excruciating. if you've been pregnant before, you know all about this.

the day of my appointment came and i was so excited...and nervous. i so badly wanted everything to be ok. i'd had cramping but no bleeding. such a good sign for me. going in there, i was definitely a guarded excited. 

james, brooklyn, and i piled into the exam room and waited to be seen. we made small chat the best we could, even though we were just ready to get the show on the road. the doc finally came in and i took a deep breath. he didn't waste any time and started with the ultra sound. immediately we saw the baby. and there was a heart beat. i really couldn't believe it. i was more used to either seeing an empty sac or no heart beat. i honestly didn't hear the rest of what the doctor said. i was so relieved. 

we celebrated with chinese for dinner. we talked about our guesses of the gender and how we felt about a baby being born in january. my answers were: girl and i don't care what month our baby is born in, i don't care if they're born on christmas. i just want a healthy baby. 

we got into bed that night, said family prayer, and then i got up to go to the bathroom one more time before we settled in for the night. i started bleeding. my world stopped. this was all too familiar. i wanted to scream and cry. please no. please no. 

i didn't sleep well that night.

i tried to stay positive. i bled almost my whole first trimester with brooklyn. maybe this was just how my 'healthy normal pregnancies' were just going to be. i laid super low the next day and things slowly got worse. we headed to coalville for the weekend and decided to tell my family since they'd see me just lying down. we made the announcement with a side note that this pregnancy was going like my last one, but that we were very hopeful. 

nothing changed until saturday night. out of nowhere, the cramps and the pain became intense. i'd felt this before. i couldn't get relief. i was miserable and starting to panic. it lasted for about two hours and then went away. i went to bed feeling ok and really really praying that everything was still ok. 

luckily for me, i got to bring my sister haley home with me sunday night. a miracle that she didn't have anything going on for a few days. i just really wanted to be on complete bed rest (i knew this from experience) and give this pregnancy the best chance i could. monday morning i called the doctor to schedule a rhogam shot (my blood type is negative) and if possible, another ultrasound. james met us all at the office, haley took brooklyn to play, and james and i met with the doctor.

he started the ultrasound. i was so hopeful. we'd seen a healthy baby just three days before. i'd read a statistic that i'd been riding on for the last week, and that was if a healthy ultrasound was done at 7 weeks (which mine had been) that there was a 90% chance for a successful pregnancy. i just kept running that through my mind. 

but there was no heart beat. 

emptiness. shock. hurt. disbelief.

i held it together. 

after the doctor stepped out, james embraced me and shed a few tears. i wasn't going to fall apart yet. i still had to go get my shot. i wasn't about to cry in front of everyone. unlucky for me, i had to wait fifteen minutes to get that dang shot in my hip. i sat there alone in a room just waiting. my thoughts started to run away and i had to force myself to keep my emotions in check. i got the shot. and then i ran for the car. 

i crawled into my back seat and just sobbed for a good minute. all the why's came. all the questions like, am i not a good mother? do i not deserve this? all these terrible questions that i had dwelt on three other times in my life. such terrible dark hard times.

james came out to comfort me. we just sat and cried together and held each other. then i was done. i was angry. i wasn't going to let this ruin my day. haley and brooklyn got in the car, we said bye to james, and we were off for a busy full day. i wasn't about to sit idly for a second that day. i drug haley and brooklyn to stores and for a drink, and then we got home and started cleaning and doing projects i could do now that i wasn't on 'bed rest'. i had to stay busy.

i decided we should have s'mores for family home evening and try to have a fun night. it really was fun. there was just that lingering sadness in my heart that couldn't be ignored.

 (i think we need some roasting sticks)

haley is still here and i don't know what i would do without her. she has been my slave and a work horse this week. we have accomplished so much and she has been great to keep my mind off of those sad things i don't want to dwell on. i've received texts from friends just to check on me. my siblings have called. james has been super supportive. it really has made a difference. even though this is my fourth miscarriage, it definitely hasn't been any easier. i definitely feel like a pro and all the familiar side effects and the whole process just make me sick. i really didn't think i'd have to do this again. and who knows how many more i'm going to have to go through. i can't even think about that. 

my greatest hope, is that no matter what happens, even if i do end up with an easy pregnancy, is that i won't forget the heart ache that comes with not being to get pregnant and not being able to carry a baby full term. i think it ranks right up there with the worst heart aches in the world. i don't ever want to forget it. i want to be sensitive to those women who are struggling. it's not fair. and i've seen too many women struggle, then have babies and no struggles, and become insensitive. i hope this post reaches someone and touches their heart. you're not alone. miscarriages are a terrible thing to go through, but there are women out there having them and struggling just like you. i try to remember this myself. i also realize there are women who have never been able to get pregnant. they are strongest women. the strongest out there. 

so today, i'll be thankful for this sweet face.

 she's my miracle baby. i hope i can give her a sibling or maybe more. she'll be such a good big sister. she has a lot to teach and to share. oh my goodness. i can't wait. 

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