this post is for her...

for grandma jackie. 

a year ago today, she left this earth and joined my grandpa in heaven. gosh that was a hard evening. getting the phone call from my dad that she had peacefully passed was gut wrenching and at the same time, it gave me so much comfort. she fought that darn cancer for too long. she dealt with so much pain and discomfort. i hated thinking about her suffering. ugh. but i wanted her to be here. healthy and here. with us. i wanted her to see brooklyn grow up. 

i wish she was here to meet and hold kendall.

i know exactly what she'd say about kendall if she held her today. she'd say, "oh my gosh melinda she's so darn cute! those cheeks!" it hurts. it hurts so much. i want to her to be here to see this cute chubby baby of mine. 

but...

she's not here. she is in heaven and her body is whole. she is no longer suffering and that makes me so happy. i can imagine that she and my grandpa are having so much fun together. catching up, and looking down on us. being proud of us, i hope. and i really do feel like she had something to do with getting kendall here. i found out i was pregnant a week after her funeral. i can just picture her pleading my case up there, fighting for me like she always did. she knew how much i wanted another baby. she knew how much i suffered through my miscarriages. she did something up there to get this sweet baby to me. i truly believe that.

and i know she watches over us. i know she watches over my girls. she laughs with us and cries with us. i'm sure of it. i miss her so much. i miss so much about her. i'm so grateful for all of the good happy memories i have of her. i want to be like her. i hope she knows how much i love her. and if she doesn't, i can't wait to tell her when we see each other again.

and i imagine she'll want to spend a lot of time with these girls of mine.

but until then, we'll keep missing her and reminiscing all the great things there are to reminisce about her. i love you grandma! so so much!

p.s. today i will jog my daily jog in basketball shorts and listen to 90's boy bands in honor of that cute hip grandma of mine, and honestly, i think she'll laugh.