Wednesday, February 5, 2014

my heart.

i have been wanting to write this post for a long time because it's something that i want to remember, but it's also very difficult to write. 

back in june, on the morning i posted about my miscarriage, i got a phone call. i looked at my phone and my stomach dropped. it was my grandma jackie. i hadn't told her about my miscarriage before i posted about it, and i had told my dad not to tell her because i didn't want to cause her to worry when she was already suffering. i knew that's exactly what she would do. but when i saw her name on my phone, i was sick. i thought maybe she was going to be upset with me that she had to find out on my blog about something personal.

i hesitantly answered the phone. 

"oh sweetheart," was all she said. 

i couldn't hold back my emotions and i started to sob into the phone. 

and then, i could hear her crying too. 

we stayed like that for a few minutes, and then i was finally able to control myself and she spoke again.

"i'm so sorry. oh melinda."

again, i couldn't hold back the tears. my heart swelled with gratitude for this grandma of mine. i knew she honestly felt my pain and that she was suffering too. it broke my heart. i tried to tell her that i was ok, but she wasn't hearing that. she kept telling me over and over that it would be ok and that i was going to have another baby.

a week and a half after she passed away i found out i was pregnant.

i really believe that she has had a hand in me keeping this pregnancy. i can just picture her up there fighting for it. and i know that even if i had lost this baby, that she would have put up a good fight in my defense and also that she would be sad for me.

that was the second to last time i would talk to her on the phone. the last time, she called me to get our address to send james a birthday card, and she was so sick, she ended up handing the phone over to her husband to get the information from me.

i think about both of these phone calls often. i think about her all the time. mixing all of that with my pregnancy hormones makes me cry a lot. i miss her so much. but i am also so happy that she is no longer suffering and that she can be with loved ones on the other side. and i know that right now she is getting to know this baby that will join our family in june. and that makes my heart more happy than i can put into words. 

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