Tuesday, June 26, 2012

confidence booster.

Here I am, doing something I almost hate more than anything else. Posing by MYSELF for a picture. Ugh.

If you asked my husband,"what is one thing you would change about your wife?" His reponse would be: her self confidence. He gets so frustrated with me when I'm down on myself or refuse to do something because 'I'll feel dumb' or 'I can't'. He has more faith in me than anyone. He wants me to be confident, to have self confidence, and all that jazz. But gosh that's hard for me. I really don't know what it is, but ever since I can remember, my self confidence has been lacking.

When I was young, I had self confidence. More than I do as an adult anyway. But don't we all? I was fearless. I wanted to perform in talent shows, speak in church (I actually asked my bishop if I could speak in sacrament meeting when I was 6), and I honestly felt like I could do anything, and do it well. The self confidence change happened around 4th or 5th grade. There were other kids, mostly girls, who made me feel bad that I was good at things. I would do something well, and then they'd be mean to me by leaving me out or saying rude things to others about me. I didn't get it. Why would someone be mad or upset with me for being good at something. My confidence slowly changed after that.

I didn't want to be praised for hardly anything, not in public anyway. I did love, however, to get compliments from my parents and teachers when no one else was around. I knew no one would find out and then I could be happy with what I was doing. But I absolutely hated when a teacher would ask me to demonstrate/read/perform because I was afraid of the consequences. Ugh.

This definitely lasted all through high school. Sure, I cheered, sure I got good grades, but I didn't want anyone to tell me I was good or even remotely good at it because I didn't want my peers to 'look down on me' for it. So after high school, I really really tried to change that. But unfortunately, I had dug myself into quite a self confidence hole and didn't know how to get back out. I became shy. That's not my personality at all. Not in the least. I wanted to be out going and make a ton of new friends, but I could not force myself. Especially after I gained a TON of weight. That brought me down the most. I didn't even want to be out in public. I was a little dramatic about it.

Then, I met my husband, and we fell in love. Almost instantly. How could this boy love me? I was not at all confident and I had some weight to lose. It really took some soul searching to figure this out. He truly loved me. Honestly. So I did some faking. Faking the self confidence. But honestly, it was easy to be confident around this boy. He made me feel so good about myself. I really felt like I had nothing to prove, that he would love me just because I was me.

We've been married almost 5 years now (WOW) and I can honestly say that he really has helped my self confidence. It's not where he'd like it to be, but I really have improved. Wouldn't you say hun? I try not to make negative comments about myself and I also try to have faith in myself and jump in head first without wondering or worrying if I'm capable. Brooklyn deserves a mom who can be a good example of self confidence (not boastful). I want her to be happy with herself and be able to accept compliments when they are given. James deserves the same in his wife. He is my biggest cheerleader and #1 fan and for him, I will win this darn battle with self confidence. And I will do it for me.  

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