some happy pictures for a sad post.

(chels and i having a great time @ dinner friday night) 

(a corner at pirate o's dedicated to bacon)

as a teacher, my worst fear was having to come face to face with an intruder in my classroom. would i try to defend myself? would i have a brilliant place to hide all of my students? what would i do?  i became obsessed with 'school intruders' when i was very young. my grandma told me her real life story of being a teacher in the cokeville, wy elementary school bombing in 1986. i was obsessed with it. i wanted to see the classroom it happened in. i wanted to hear every detail. it scared me to the very innards of my soul. it chilled my bones. but i wanted to know about it. i thought about it. i dreamt about it. 

the same thing happened to me when columbine happened. and again with virginia tech. i was in college when that happened and i didn't go to class for two days because i didn't feel safe on campus. all of these instances left me feeling sick, scared, helpless, and overall just terrible. 

friday morning when i heard about the shooting in connecticut, i was heart broken. i was physically sick. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i thought about all of my past students and my heart ached. it ached for them and for those in sandy hook elementary school. no child should have to be afraid at school. school is supposed to be a safe place. i can honestly say i've thought about more than 90% of the 150 students i had as a kindergarten teacher and i have prayed for them. i hope they aren't afraid. and more importantly, i hope they're safe at school. always. 

i squeezed brooklyn extra tight and gave her lots of extra kisses as the next few days unfolded. i didn't want to miss a second. i couldn't help but feel guilty that i was holding my child and forty parents in connecticut are without theirs this holiday season. i can't bear it. a dear friend of mine lost her baby only months ago and that tore my heart in two. the sadness. the pain. feelings i can not comprehend. i want to give them my heart. to fix their broken ones. i feel such love for them that i can't even describe. there will be a special place in heaven for those parents who have lost their little ones. and most definitely there will be a special place for those little angels who were taken from this earth much too soon. my prayers are with them all this christmas.